i hear you loud as a bomb

“it’s the moments when you’re left all on your own, and it hits you from out of nowhere. you try to hid it sometimes unsuccessfully, with a smile that fades quickly away.” 

every now and then i like to take time to reflect on life. it’s a way for me to be still because i’m constantly moving. there is a steady hum of noise that surrounds me, like the buzzing of a colony of bees. it’s my personal whitenoise, playing in the background as i move about being … well, busy as a bee.

but in this still time, when i’m able to just sit and think and listen, i have these amazing downloads that update me on where i am. last night i had one of those moments. i discovered that i need to ask for help more frequently. i’m horrible at asking for help. this isn’t new information. i could write the book on needing to learn to ask for help. actually, that kind of is in the works.

i just lost my grandmama. another loved one stolen away from me by cancer. she was a fighter, like my sister. but in the end, cancer proved to be a formidable foe. villains are not supposed to win. ever. it’s really hard to accept that there are some battles we have to lose in life. i don’t like losing. i know it’s a part of life. it happens to be one of my least favorite parts. asking for help is probably my second least favorite.

but it was in the process of saying good-bye to my grandmama that i realized the value in asking for help. actually, it was that process that showed me in a very tangible way just how deeply i’m loved by god. i rarely have time to break down. there are too many balls in the air and taking a second to pause and fall apart isn’t an option. at least, not one i tend to accept. but i remember telling someone when i first learned that my grandmama had pancreatic cancer, that i would completely fall apart if i had to bury another family member after a battle with cancer. when the time came, i realized i don’t know how to fall apart. i know how to be strong. i know how to get things done. i know how to be there for everyone around me. i know how to solve problems. i don’t necessarily know how to ask for help.

it is a weird space to exist in when you’re the problem solver, the person that holds everything together. during this season of loss, i did the unthinkable. i asked for help and i let people help me. accepting help seems to be more profound than asking. everything i needed was addressed, sometimes before i even asked. that in itself made me want to go all emo, but i didn’t! again, i don’t know how to fall a part. even as people showered me with hugs and offered comfort, i pulled away before i fell apart. i’m sure there is something about that begging to be addressed. maybe in the next download.

today, i found myself listening to the lovely song by cynthia erivo, fly before you fall. it speaks so strongly to me because i was able to locate myself in the lyrics. during this season of loss, i truly felt like those around me could hear my inaudible cries for help loud as a bomb even though i spoke few words.

this seems to be a season of me seeing that i need people. it feels funny to have to even acknowledge. like, of course i need people. but really, i NEED people. i have a calling that requires me to rely on others and accept that my ability to succeed requires me to let them help me. so when i face something that makes me want to fall apart, i can do it because i know there will be people there who hear my cry loud as a bomb, people who teach me to fly before i fall away.

You’re a tower of strength when you’re breaking down
But through the wall I can feel your cry
And when it’s quiet you’re screaming inside
And I break as I hear you
Loud as a bomb
Wanting a shoulder to cry on

I hear you
Tumbling fast
Here and now, you’re afraid
Don’t you worry
I’ll teach you to fly before you fall away

– Cynthia Erivo